The Go Show

If I wasn't acetic

2005-05-21T20:33:00.000-04:00

If “Terry” were to continue taking pictures today, I would have suggested that “Terry” switch the old ways of using analogue to digital. “Terry” used to shoot with a lot of film which was very excessive and very harmful to the environment. If I, I mean if “Terry” were to go digital, “Terry” would definitely be using the Cakon EvS 350D, firmware Ver 1.0.1. This is an upgrade of Cakon digital SGR with the eight megapixel sub and the successor to the 300D, the new, smaller, nine megapixel. At first you'd think this was just a drop-in upgrade of the EvS 200D with the EvS 40D's two megapixel sensor, but in actual fact it has a new HMOS sensor (it's 8.0 megapixels versus the 30D's 9.2 megapixels), the 380D also has a smaller body, re-worked design, DeGIC II, new features and custom functions.

Acetic

We can go on and on

2005-05-20T09:02:00.000-04:00

We must go on

2005-05-19T22:01:00.000-04:00

We can’t go on

2005-05-18T19:01:00.000-04:00

Please don’t go on

2005-05-17T12:00:00.000-04:00

The Theory of the Footsock Ball Draft

2005-05-16T14:56:00.000-04:00

The National Footsock Ball Association (NFBA) asserts to study the relation more than the rigorous scopes. The best rigorous scopes arrange the effect to block with the admitted effect. Adding in or another with the value is not specialized above all that is asserted from the style of the group of crossing. With pickings, every group to which the necessity of the rigorous ends that it blocks be traditional. But in a game wide open, the great rigorous scopes of acceptance skillfully expresses and some hands are coveted. They can deliver the ball like a dangerous arm, in order to stretch the territory of the atmosphere. It is often said, "You take in the plan you have begun. Up from two to four will be strengthened. Think next to the center and support to serve the legitimate..." The material is the truth and it enters far away in the NFBA. The plan has been to study the circulation of data and the technology.

Placeholder

2005-05-15T17:12:00.000-04:00

This is not an actual blog. It is merely holding today's place until an actual blog can be posted.

Tilt!

2005-05-14T23:11:00.000-04:00

"Ooops!" commented Game-Ova upon learning she had been voted off of the hot new reality show, UcAn Warrior. Audiences rejected her rationale for invading Puerto Rico--a snowcone that melted too quickly during her recent vacation there. Besides, they're already a commonwealth.

Today's Fortune

2005-05-13T22:09:00.000-04:00

You will make many changes before settling satisfactorily.

3 15 22 34 37 41

President Acknowledges This Point to Ponder

2005-05-12T00:10:00.000-04:00

For too long, we've been listening to so-called experts--climatologists and geophysicists. But who are these people? And what are their credentials?

We UcAns need to be a forward-thinking people. We need to cultivate and listen to top minds.

Let's stop this reign of terror by these crazy segregated thinkers. They may know a lot about one thing. But do they know more than one thing?

We need people who know more than just one thing, like people who know two or even three things. The world is much more complicated than it used to be. These single issue folks don't get that.

We must start paying attention to Scientists!

Mixers Boycott to Demand Better Warranties

2005-05-11T10:40:00.000-04:00

Kitchen gadgets from can openers to milk frothers have long enjoyed a full array of care benefits as spelled out in their warranties. A typical gadget warranty includes 5-years of full, unlimited care.

But mixers and warmers haven't been automatically granted such generous warranties, and they are often unable to afford private supplemental warranty packages. A typical mixer warranty only lasts for two years and doesn't include parts. These appliances are often less affluent than their gadget counterparts, despite their advanced training.

A small group of mixers, led by civil rights activist Blender, seek to change this discrepancy. "We demand equal warranties so that we can also enjoy a fully productive and satisfying life." The group has begun a boycott of all mixing and warming activities. Though ovens generally receive benefits comparable to kitchen gadgets, they have agreed to join the mixer boycott.

President spoke today from the Blank House to remind the mixers of their civic duty. and stated, "Children everywhere will be denied ice cream shakes and cinnamon toast. We cannot accept such a disruption to our children's lives and their hopes for the future."

Itch Relief Available

2005-05-10T15:18:00.000-04:00

Backscratchers meeting:

Thursday
8:00 pm
lower left quadrant

Dawplucker

2005-05-09T13:48:00.000-04:00

Subscriptions now available for this new glossy mag. Critical theory, appropriately appropriating, makeover tips for bringing out the satirist in you. Dawplucker has it all!

Call 1-800-DAW-PLUCK to start your subscription.

Muscling In: Gerber

2005-05-08T02:37:00.000-04:00

At the opening of his star-studded sculptural extravaganza, Body Tumble, Gerber stated that his first solo exhibition would also be his last. Though wooed by all of the top dealers, Gerber has decided to take some time off from the art world and return to his former passion—modeling rugged sportswear. Declaring that he "missed his time on the runway," Gerber expects to spend the summer writing his memoirs about his unprecedented two-week-long art world rise to fame.

He has contracted with Mannheim to debut their new line "Hunk" at Fashion Week Milan.

Unwilling to completely sever his art world ties, Gerber has promised his gallerist, Frilda Wusper, a sneak Chelsea preview of this spectacular. He'll also be making a limited edition of lifesize photographic portraits available.

Sounds like another exhibition is in the making to me! Collectors are already vying for his signature poses: "Wow Me!", the shoulder glance while squatting, and a double forearm flex edition of "Strut."

How divine....

Tammy Trumpet
The Daily Babble

Public Service Announcement

2005-05-07T23:57:00.000-04:00

Freedom is not Free! Charge something today.

This message was brought to you by the True Patriots.

Escaped Cotton Agent Re-Arrested

2005-05-06T17:39:00.000-04:00

The Federal Bureau of Instigation arrested Jennifer Hoozeltaastenlijk this morning as she arrived for work at GrammarGuard. Hoozeltaastenlijk escaped from UcAn custody on February 23. For over a month, she has been operating under the alias Four as a GrammarGuard i-dotter. While disguised as Four, Hoozeltaastenlijk's upbeat attitude about her daily drudgery left her free from scrutiny. Authorities are unsure how much sensitive knowledge she forwarded to Cotton, the underground revolutionary group seeking equitable distribution of knowledge. Hoozeltaastenlijk is being flown to Egypt for questioning.

Ay Caramba!

2005-05-05T14:14:00.000-04:00

Wake up from your siesta, sista! Let's fiesta! Es el cinco de mayo. Cante, el baile, celebra! Pero no se olvide para anunciar, Viva Mexico!
-Lupe, la impulsión dura

Fifi Takes a Bow

2005-05-04T23:21:00.000-04:00

A cloud of infamy surrounds the artist Fifi wherever she goes.

Her recent video installation, "Fifi/Fifi" was greeted with lukewarm reviews by the press, including The Daily Squirrel's own Jett Frobst. But when has the press stopped an eager Patron of the Arts from bargain-basement prices that will reap hefty, delicious, and obscenely rewarding tax-deduction benefits on down the road?

The show was sold out even before it opened.

Nevertheless, the buzz has gone sour on Fifi, who is as much a narcissist as ever, with works like "Pour over Pore" in which she examines (with various macro lenses) and numbers every pore on her nose. The latest bulletin from ArtBurp indicates that Fifi's resale values haven't had the first-quarter results her investors hoped for.

Her assistants better look into other dayjobs. The staff are always the first to go.

Voting Rights for Mixers Postponed

2005-05-03T17:36:00.000-04:00

Can Opener, leader of the Appliance Assembly, announced that the group will postpone any action on an initiative that would allow mixers to vote.

"We felt that a change at this moment might encourage disharmony," stated Can Opener. "We will reconsider in time for the 2006 elections."

Blender, spokesperson for the mixers, pointed out, "Can Opener, like many of the other elected gadgets, won by a very slim margin. This margin might not be sustainable with so many new votes thrown in to the mix."

Currently all AA seats are held by gadgets. Tomorrow, the Assembly is expected to take up legislation regarding workplace discrimination against mixers.

Suffering from poor vision?

2005-05-02T19:31:00.000-04:00

Cure hazy eyesight with AltoCumulusAway!

Follow these simple directions:

ft. ung.
Rx q.p. o.n. h.s. O.U. s.a.

ne tr. s. num.

May Day

2005-05-01T19:58:00.000-04:00

Happy May Day!

It's official! We are joining the rest of the workers of the world in celebrating this holiday. As my comrade Pelt would say, we've come a long way, baby! May Day used to be celebrated internationally, but it was rarely recognized in the US.

Our great foremother labor organizersled thousands of workers to walk off their jobs in the first May Day protest in history. The protest was a call to action against many unfair labor practices. The fight was won eventually and we continue to celebrate and organize together as workers. There were attempts by the US government to try to curb May 1 celebrations because of its galvanizing potency. In its attempt to discourage any more radical organizing, the US government tried to establish an alternative, thereby introducing Labor Day, a paid day off to some and a chance for workers to be consumers of "Labor Day Sales." Devoid of historical significance, labor day was recognized by more US citizens and May Day was temporarily forgotten.

Thank Jezebel, we're once celebrating May Day in honor to the memory of the first May 1 protesters!

In solidarity,
Ana R. Kissed
May 1, 2099

How to Talk to a Self-Righteous (If You Must)

2005-04-30T11:05:00.000-04:00

by Can Oulter

On the outside, a self-righteous often looks like an ordinary creature. They may even have attractive plumes. Some are exceptionally well-off while others are more modest in means. You never know when you may inadvertently run across one!

But when confronted with an argument they don't agree with, self-righteous will become skittish, and even aggressive. Some will jump up and down to conclusions. Others will run away, looking for a gated community, where no one will disagree. Others have been known to cry and whimper, all the while spewing ad hominems.

Here a few tips to dealing with those unavoidable situations:

1. Shout. Self-righteous are more likely to pay attention if you are loud and aggressive. Self-righteous are impressed by authority.

2. Use short declarative sentences. Self-righteous have been trained to respond only to uninterrupted subject-verb arrangements. Forego the use of modifiers and prepositional phrases. These short sentences are particularly important when talking to President or other members of Congregation.

3. Refer to "moral values," "freedom," and "people of faith" frequently. Do not worry if these terms do not relate to the subject at hand. Self-righteous are unlikely to notice and will feel reassured.

4. Salute. Self-righteous love militaristic displays even when used in situations counter to their own interests.

Self-righteous tend to be stuck in their ways, but with some earnest attention, even a self-righteous can leave behind narrowmindedness and become spirited, progressive thinkers.

Good luck!

ToPho News

2005-04-29T21:05:00.000-04:00

Welcome to the debut issue of ToPho news! We're sure you'll enjoy this issue covering the most up-to-date-news the ToPhography World has to offer! You'll learn everything from technical tips from the pros to the latest gossip on who is the hottest ToPhographer today! And behind-the-scenes peeks into what they're ToPhographing!

If you're new to ToPhography, here's a few pieces of information that should help you along:

ToPhography is an inversion of Photography. Instead of snapping a static image, we celebrate the exposure of the world surrounding that image. It's like 360 degrees!

ToPhography also acknowledges its debt to To Fu, the poet.

Check us out!

--from ToPho News

Novelty

2005-04-28T11:40:00.000-04:00

..is very under-rated!
-Neither/Nor

Attention: True Patriots

2005-04-27T23:31:00.000-04:00

Please submit your prayer sheets to Bill Fist by the end of the week. Those who have logged an average of 38 minutes per day will be eligible to participate in President's upcoming People of Faith for Justice Advisory Board. Prayer log sheets must include the start and end times for every prayer, accessories such as rosary beads or supplication, and a detailed list of all subjects covered.

Those offering prayers to Jezebel should send their completed sheets to:

Bill Fist
People of Faith for Justice Advisory Board Sweepstakes
UcA Congregation
Washington, DC 20510

Those offering prayers to other divine beings, specified or general, should send their completed sheets to:

Bill Fist
People of Faith for Justice Advisory Board Runners Up
UcA Congregation
Washington, DC 20511

Prayer sheets sent to the incorrect address will not be considered.

How to Grease the Wheels

2005-04-26T15:07:00.000-04:00

These tips just in from Jennifer Converse, reporting from the star trial of Ted Bilk:

Take five.
Olive oil.
Ask yourself: who is this making money for?

Jennifer tells us these are the three secrets that have kept Ted flourishing in every area of his life. We thought we'd share.

"Me? A Poet?"

2005-04-25T22:07:00.000-04:00

I thought I had an idea
and so I write
but the idea didn't belong
to me, you see

-an excerpt reprinted from Aby Normal's book called, "Me? A Poet?"

Employee of the Month

2005-04-24T18:55:00.000-04:00

GrammarGuard is pleased to recognize the outstanding contributions of Four. Since starting employment two years ago, Four has excelled in spotting those ever-elusive missing dots from lower case "I"s. And she is unsurpassed in her attention to ends of sentences. Her efficiency and rigor mark a level of excellence for others to strive to emulate.

But Four's most important contribution to company success has been in the area of morale. Other i-dotters do occasionally grumble or glare when asked to check their socks at the start of the workday. Four, though, is always ready to hand hers over with a smile and a laugh. She models the agreeable behavior we hope will gradually become the norm amongst our otherwise exceptional workforce.

At GrammarGuard, we are here to help with the details that a wealth of knowledge requires. We leave our opinions at the door.

Four, we at GrammarGuard salute you!

Mish Mash

2005-04-23T07:08:00.000-04:00

Kimberly was shagrinned to discover that all her efforts were, oddly enough, re-enactments of the work of late great biostatistician Gork Ischeles. When she was made aware of her unwitting tribute, she made the best of it, telling colleagues "Well that's it. It's a numbers game, I'm not going to make statistical significance out of this."

The counting continues.

It's Earth Day!

2005-04-22T15:05:00.000-04:00

Lot's Wife: As it should be everyday.
Mud: Just like Hoihoh Day!
Kali: Shut up Mud! I'll stomp on you.
Unity: Kali is expressing her love for Mud very affectionately this special day. Let's all join them by sharing a group hug!
789: I'll drink to that!

Doe normal

2005-04-21T17:26:00.000-04:00

dan doe je al gek genoeg.

She Weeps to Conquer

2005-04-20T15:31:00.000-04:00

Valerie Wicks has been weeping continuously for the past six days, it has been revealed to The Registered Few. Wicks achieved notoriety for her vigorous protests against UcA policies, which lead to her imprisonment on charges of "Behavior Unbeffiting a UcAn" under the new HOMESAFE Act. Because she has asked too many questions about the UcA, under these new provisions, she will be denied legal representation and visitation rights while her case is reviewed by a secret tribunal. Wicks, who is diabetic, may also be denied healthcare as, according to UcA rules, "Healthcare was not mentioned by the Founding Framers."

Mamacy Reigns

2005-04-19T22:41:00.000-04:00

We are delighted to recognize Mud as one of the Zillion Mopes of the 3-in-1 church. As the perfect prefect since 200 B.C. of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Polyatheists, the guardian of heterodoxy that was formerly known as the Holy Moly, she has been more responsible than anyone of the church's insistence of constant reform and its recognition of progressive thinkers. It was Mud who laid the groundwork for the recognition of the many religions in this planet. She wholeheartedly supports and works closely with organizations and churches who identify closely with the struggles of the poor throughout the world. And it was she who, outrageously made a scene through her interpretive dances to educate people about the third world workers and farmers who seek a fairer distribution of resources, a fuller democracy and a brighter future for their children. Mud embraces religious pluralism and encourages dialogue within and without the church. Though she is worldly, holds fifty-six Doctorates, thirty-one Masters, and four Associates Degree, and speaks all the languages in the galaxy, she gets confused and does not recognize any issue, when asked a question of recognizing same sex marriage.

for Monday...

2005-04-18T22:05:00.000-04:00

Enjoy buttered toast
With a smidge of cinnamon
A morning delight

Sidewalk Interlude

2005-04-17T15:27:00.000-04:00

I dipped into the old neighborhood today. It had been a few years since I'd ventured over there, and sure enough the WAR store had a sign on it that it was "Permanently Closed. But call this 800 number for another neighborhood location," and the Baldenbooks was bare-windowed too. Sign of the times I suppose, who can afford to be reading books when we're all rendered into vegetable matter by working 100 hour weeks. Let alone the expense. Who has a syllogism to spare?

I was lucky to be walking about. Actually I was playing hooky from my own indentured servitude for my heavily mortgaged soul. It was the perfect day for it: summer warm, trees, bushes, flowers bursting at the seams with new buds, not a cloud to be seen. Birds twittering about, crossing my path, their singsong accompanied by Mr. Iceeeeze's familiar jingle.

I was nearly home when I ran into a man I do not know who was walking in the other direction. I couldn't help but notice him, as the sun struck him directly, illuminating his eyes and face. I don't think he noticed me, his gaze was fixed a hundred miles ahead, and his expression was pained. For half a second I considered introducing myself and pointing out the bounties before us, taking it upon myself to be the Spring Welcome Committee for someone who is clearly still feeling a bitter chill.

But the moment passed, as I realized I'm just as much a shy wild animal as those twittering birds. Tweet, tweet!

One with everything

2005-04-16T23:00:00.000-04:00

What did the Dalai Lama say to the hotdog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."
Yes, it's an old joke. But it cracks me up everytime.
-Unity

Lucky

2005-04-15T11:24:00.000-04:00

Sheila Folco traces the change in her life to the day she started abandoning icons.

"It sounds strange, perhaps, but it's true," she asserts in her new series of self-help videos, "Lucky."

"It used to be that I would persecute myself all day long with the relative luck-value of the objects around me. Everything from pennies (face up or face down?), cats of all colors, colors in and of themselves, chance encounters... the list goes on and on.

"The one day I was stuck in an almost infinite loop: I was struck by competing icons of good and bad luck. Then, something spectacular happened: I started to laugh! And that's when I really got lucky."

Order your video today!

A Place Apart

2005-04-14T14:13:00.000-04:00

After a big publicity blitz surrounding the release of her most recent novel, Bibi Polenta is calling it quits, she tells The Daily Squirrel.

"At first I was flattered by all the attention coming from the release of Remote [her latest]. Then, I was at a celebrity book-signing and it was just too awkward and painful. All the blind adulation for some rehashed drivel about how fabulously clever I can be. It made me want to vomit."

Polenta has decided to quit writing and withdraw from the public domain. She will divert her attention to a biodynamic farm in an undisclosed country that she will only identify as "having healthcare and other human rights."

Exclusive Licensing Agreement

2005-04-13T10:04:00.000-04:00

After much negotiation and partisanship, the True Patriot Party has gained the exclusive rights to the word "faith." For those who are not official representatives of the TP's, it will be a felony to utter or print the word. Journalists may use the word when quoting a True Patriot.

Have you looked at the sole of the tiniest toe on your left foot lately?

2005-04-12T16:01:00.000-04:00

Well, you better check!

UcAn Affirmation To Be Updated

2005-04-11T23:16:00.000-04:00

UcAns have traditionally had a deep-seated and patriotic love for their flag. But recently, many have become concerned about the lexical similarity between the word flag and the disparaging term for an outcast group.

Many have wondered, "Is this similarity a plot hatched by the Real Patriots? Are they attempting to undermine the traditional UcAn values of saluting and pledging allegiance to the flag? Are they causing our most treasured emblem to be subliminally associated with such an unsavory part of the population?"

Vexillologists, scientists who study curtains, date the plot to 1928, when the profession of interior decorating first became associated with the afore-unmentioned group.

True Patriot leaders have called for replacing the Pledge of Allegiance to the Flag. They are particularly fearful that children and adults all across the land who have difficulty pronouncing the letter "L" might inadvertently be pledging allegiance to this shadowy but powerful group.

Poet Laureate Paul Wolfowitz has been called upon to write a new patriotic affirmation. Hard at work for over twenty-five minutes, he has submitted three possibilities in three different poetic forms. Using his license, he has focused on the glory of President rather than that of the compromised Old Glory.

UcAn citizens will soon be invited to vote for their favorite.

*******

Ode
Oh President!!
Tis undenyingly evident,
that your misunderestimations are no impediment
to our perception of security
and liberty and justice at the mall!!

Ballad
Once I heard the morning doves crying their songs of pain,
But now with President's re-election secured
I am overwhelmed with the gladness of the insane.

For Jezebel has spoken
and the people rejoice
"We do love President!"
They sing in one voice

Hip Hop/Contemporary
Hey Prez!
you're Prez,
not me or he or she.

You make the plan
You are the man
[yo-yo-yo-yo]

No one can stop ya,
not even your pop, nuhhh
Cuz you've got the fans
[yo-yo-yo-yo]

Please note: the Hip Hop/Contemporary version will be available in an extended dance remix version in early May.

Adult Art

2005-04-10T10:17:00.000-04:00

Much has been made of the practice of "child art," with the hipsters sinking in age every season. What was yesterday's tween is today's singlet (so called because the precocious child artist has not yet hit the double-digits of age, i.e. 10.)

These malleable, eager-to-please youngsters are putty in the hands of the market-savvy dealers who snap them up with strict contracts relinquishing exclusive rights.

Is everyone blind to this malicious, perpetual cycle of self-stroking narcissism? Am I the only art critic left with an ounce of criticism?

My colleagues have fled to the cushy, money-laden path of market appreciation.

I cry out for some adult art. No more fumbling and bumbling pathetic approximations.

--Maureen Pauberg

Time for a change

2005-04-09T16:27:00.000-04:00

I've decided with the delightful change in weather to celebrate!
Farewell to the dingy dirges of yesterday, heavy tweeds in dark shades, black lambswool sweaters...
On with the technicolor hues of tomorrow!

--Bobert, on enjoying the salad days of spring

An Allegory

2005-04-08T21:04:00.000-04:00

Let me tell you about an allegory that I've been writing--
No? You're too tired?
Okay.

The Intelligence Critique

2005-04-07T09:59:00.000-04:00

Earlier this week, President's panel issued a scathing critique of the Blank House's shoddy intelligence leading up to the Quari war. In a comment that gave rare insight into President's elite background and closeted Francophilia, he responded:

"Écrasez l'infàme!"

Bing said to Bong

2005-04-06T12:26:00.000-04:00

"What do you think of me? Thinking of you?"

Public Service Announcement

2005-04-05T23:44:00.000-04:00

Dr. Dream will be offering a group therapy session this Thursday at BAA. Those interested in signing up for this session devoted to "Roaring Therapy," his groundbreaking behavior modification technique, should arrive at 7:30 pm. Please bring a bottle of 789, a hairbrush, a square yard of diaphanous material (your choice of color), and a dictaphone.

Recipe for Relief

2005-04-04T17:04:00.000-04:00

Rest.

Recent Studies

2005-04-03T10:03:00.000-04:00

New Audiences for Tsk-Tsking

2005-04-02T02:08:00.000-05:00

Since resigning as Amateur Attorney General, John Ashcroft has been devoting himself to bringing "tsk-tsking" to evangelical audiences. "Let the Eagle Soar" was his first crossover hit, initially appealing to self-proclaimed True Patriots. Listeners soon realized the song's racier undercurrents, making the title a coded invitation for steamy finger-crossing. Ashcroft is now working on a music video that will feature President, Vip, and Condi Vice showing off their digits' dexterity for the UcAn people.

Bird Considers Flight

2005-04-01T17:09:00.000-05:00

I spent the day in the nest. I was wiped out from the change-of-weather flu. It must have been delirium that I've been in the past few days. Fortunately my bird family are the kind and forgiving sort, and I didn't find myself nestless (sky help those birds who do go nestless.)

Teetering in and out of consciousness, I suffered all kinds of hallucinations and delusions. The experience was a shock to my little bird brain, and I'm still shaky.

At one point, I thought about flying off. I thought the tweets of the birds around me were mocking and snide, sarcastic snips directed to me personally. They sang to me over and over, that I was a horrible bird. What could I sing in return? Maybe they were right.

Of course, in reality, the other birds were just going about their normal bird-business. Not a one would have guessed the profound distress their simple calls had on me.

Who was to blame? No one. I woke up today and, thank sky, was conscious, if weary.

It troubles my tiny, fast-beating heart to hear harsh songs, which echo through my overactive imagination. The experience always makes me consider flight. Not just the daily flying-about-one's-business, but some major act of migration.

But the trouble is everywhere. Best to sing the best song one can, right where one is.

Bing and Bong

2005-03-31T10:45:00.000-05:00

Bing and Bong are now facing their own corners and not speaking to each other. They had been arguing for hours.

“Why don’t you plant a flower.”

“No, you plant a flower.”

“Why don't you want to plant a flower?”

“I don’t like to watch a flower slowly wither.”

“Well, neither do I. So, I think you should plant a flower.”

“No, you plant a flower.”

That is how it was with Bing and Bong. They never saw a flower.

Blender had a sore throat

2005-03-30T23:41:00.000-05:00

Her blades felt inflamed, making it difficult to speak. And exhaustion filled her every pore from plug to lid.

She heard a voice calling, "We can't go on."

Though her voice was choppy, she whispered back, "We must go on."

Adjusting her setting from "whip" to "pulverize," she cried out, "We can go on and on and on...."

Blender slept well that night, waking up refreshed and energized the next morning.

Just the Beginning

2005-03-29T17:30:00.000-05:00

They decided to dance.

It was a spontaneous decision after too much punch and shrieking laughter.

For a year or two the mania kept their movements harmonious, though totally mismatched. This complete absence of coordination fueled their happiness all the more.

Then one day, they danced into an argument.

Their movements sharpened to quick outbursts as they mistook each other for all that was wrong with the world.

They forgot the argument was a miasmic cloud they had danced into on their way to somewhere else.

It was hard to see. But they kept dancing.

They did think of stopping, but the spectacle of themselves was more hilarious than ever, and so they continued on, singing "It's just the beginning."

Expect Delay

2005-03-28T16:15:00.000-05:00

Ethel's Easter Greeting

2005-03-27T21:51:00.000-05:00

There are those who would point out that I haven't been a spring chicken in over ninety years. So what could I possibly know about beginnings?

But I've seen more than my share of attempts to start anew. It seems that these days I'm starting a new drawing 'most every day.

Spring is in the air, and it's the time of year when everyone is doing a bit of freshening up. Trouble is, people are so focused on scrubbing everything clean, they don't notice that they've been using the same water for years.

It can be a shock to one's system to plunge into a stream of cold mountain water. But it will wake you up far quicker than that tepid, murky stuff so many keep around.

Art Review: "Titans" at Scene Max

2005-03-26T16:39:00.000-05:00

Like their mythological Greek forbearers, the collaborative group "Titans" has sky-high ambitions. Whether they will suffer the same fate--to be overthrown by another family in the rulership of heaven--remains to be seen. So far Titans have made all the right moves for unparalleled ascension to the Hot Seat of Genius.

Titans were recently snapped up by Helga Opperdink of Scene Max at the recent Art Star League Draft. The collaborative group features Bob Boxter and a number of attractive women he happens to work with, including Catherine Friscons, Uta Laremp, Juanita Throg, and Maggie Driscoll.

This is the group's debut at Scene Max, and they skyrocketed to the demands of the occasion, with ten versions of their iconic work "Squirrel with Spheroid."

At a time when so much we see is hand-crafted, modest, and quirky, Titans do their name justice in their (seeming?) utter indifference to the tastes of the market. Their works here, (titled "Squirrel with Spheroid, #1-10") are industrial injection-molded, prodigious, and uniform. The only touch of the hand is several generations removed, in the modeling of the squirrel's expression, and in the ambiguous white sphere the squirrel holds. Is it an oversized nut? Or a small egg? A neat self-referential tag to the group's name again? Titan is, after all, the largest satellite of Saturn and the second-largest satellite in our solar system.

Who will be the family of Zeus this year? Crafters, heat your glueguns. It's going to be a tight race.

"Who's she?"

2005-03-25T10:52:00.000-05:00

says one to the other.
"I'm the player to be named later," says another to the other.

Vision

2005-03-24T23:47:00.000-05:00

A group of dours were standing at the end of a long, straight road. They could see several jolly people standing way off on the horizon. One dour turned to the others and said, "This road is like the giant alligator of a greater than sign. We're at the open end, so we must be greater than those at the other end."

Much rejoicing and revelry ensued.

Soon Diogenia, who was walking backwards, as was her custom, approached the group of dours. The famous philospher said, "What you are seeing is an optical illusion. The edges of the road actually make an infinite equals sign."

The dours looked forlorn. They each went home to nap.

Gilberta Sullivan, R.I.P.

2005-03-23T22:50:00.000-05:00

Today I heard the news of Berta's passing. She was a big age.

She had a good forty years on me, but still, we were close.

In later years I saw her only a handful of times. We lived very far away. I remember my visits to her house, we would make conversation while her husband cooked delicious eggplant fresh from their garden. He was an avid gardner. They had no children.

Berta wasn't one to philosophize much, so when she did, it was very startling. And so I remember one day she said to me: "can we help what we are?"

She had the most beautiful dimples on her chin, and they crinkled as she asked me this.
I didn't know what to say. "Hmm, I don't know, I'll have to think about that," was about as much as I could muster.

Rest in peace, Berta.

--J. Murphy

Ahem

2005-03-22T21:08:00.000-05:00

After our landlord, earth, suddenly quaked, my ocean side of the family had to shift a bit causing a disaster in many people's lives. Because of this, I have been ailing in this part of the planet. (Cough). Some of you people have been helping each other out in providing food, clothes, and blankets to those affected by tsunami. What you need to know is that it is vital and precaurious that I am clean so that some of these Asians do not get any of my cooties. (Cough). You all know that you like to wash your hands with clean water to avoid bacteria, but these Asians need more than clean hands. They need clean water supply because sometimes I am contaminated and I carelessly spread cholera, hepatitis and meningitis. I've got the fever but not the kind you'd want to get. Those damn parasites always try to get a free ride from me.

Starting this day, share the love and celebrate my world day. Go ahead, look up World Water Day and pursue ways to save lives through sanitary hydration and invest in my cleanliness.

Water, aka H2O or 789

Special Offer

2005-03-21T20:59:00.000-05:00

Buy 6 Yuca Cola Double Gulps, 14 humongo packages of Starflirts, and 73 bite-sized Bite-Os, and you'll receive 2 sentences off your next purchase of a Yuca Cola Double Gulp!

The Necessity of Prunes

2005-03-20T22:09:00.000-05:00

Many an architectural historian will agree, there is a necessity for prunes in our contemporary landscape. Prunes, the humble shriveled plum, have assisted in the regularity of many.

But beyond their kind and gratefully rendered service of keeping systems in motion, of "moving forward" if you will, we must think of the aesthetic repercussions of such a marvelous consummable.

Its dried and withered face serves as a reminder of the fate that befalls us all, who continue to walk this earth.

Correction

2005-03-19T23:59:00.000-05:00

A rumor that Nila M. Fekunanae is in the planning stages for writing and directing a new miniseries about the legacy of Civil War divisiveness on contemporary American politics in The Go Show Blog on January 13, 2005 misidentifies the place where she was seen. She was reportedly seen at Shindig, the exclusive meeting place for television industry drama queens. She was actually seen dining and speaking in hushed tones with other insiders at Jamboree, the exclusive meeting place for cable television industry divas.

The Senators Joined Together Today

2005-03-18T18:18:00.000-05:00

to sing a rousing version of "Walk Like a Man, Talk Like a Man" to show their support for President.

The chorus, led by Vip and amateur diplomat, Johnnie Bolt, was the brainchild of Secretary of Performance Art, Condoleezza Rice.

The event concluded with a toast to President by Rice, despite Bread's objections at being forced to participate in such a partisan event.

Some words from Grandma

2005-03-17T17:24:00.000-05:00

Aye, it'd be today they'd be askin' me for a few words, 'twould.

It's as bad as that.

I suppose they trot out all the neglecteds on their Saint's days, the other 364 they're shoved in the hall closet, Santa and the Tooth Fairy and the Dead Leaders and all the rest of them. It must be cramped, though the crack is sure to be mighty.

But never you mind that, for since it's me opportunity to spake a few words, I'm not one to be turnin' the opportunity away so hastely.

The words that keep pestering me are "rock paper scissors." The game so simple a wee child could play it, and many's a one has. Each one is capable of destroying another one, and being destroyed by the other.

Quick, quick, one must decide: rock paper scissors?

Each one with its own peculiar charms, lethal powers and mortal vulnerabilities.

In me life I chose different at different times, and lived to tell the tale. I wish you the same luck.

No Baby

2005-03-16T22:41:00.000-05:00

Powder.

It's naptime

2005-03-15T20:19:00.000-05:00

Rest well.

You've got to give people a spectacle

2005-03-14T15:19:00.000-05:00

--Billy Jean King

15, 18, 20, 32, 36, 45

2005-03-13T11:16:00.000-05:00

Sing and rejoice,

fortune is smiling on you.

Tomorrow's Kitchen Appliance Expo

2005-03-12T15:31:00.000-05:00

Can Opener looked over the participants in tomorrow's exposition and realized that neither Blender nor any of the other mixers would be there.

Can Opener initally thought, "I'm not surprised. We gadgets are the most talented in the kitchen anyway. The mixers rarely have any important contributions to make."

But then Can Opener had an epiphany: "I just realized why there aren't any mixers planning to come tomorrow. We forgot to invite them!"

little elf gets a shock

2005-03-11T16:57:00.000-05:00

on the way to work today, little elf got an enormous shock. there's a long history in the world of drnigth of elf-discrimination, but little did little elf expect to be shunned by his friend, grug, a larger-bodied species called utes. grug said to elf, "maybe the reason you have such a crappy job is because you're not as smart as an ute." little elf thought for a moment, and replied, "you think?"

P.S.-who's missing?

2005-03-10T22:41:00.000-05:00

women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women women

A High Pressure System

2005-03-09T20:42:00.000-05:00

is approaching the Greater New York area.

Answer: 364 days of the year

2005-03-08T15:48:00.000-05:00

What isn't international women's day?

Enough

2005-03-07T12:14:00.000-05:00

Is too much ever enough?

--Maureen Pauberg, in conversation

AARI Wins $40 Billion No-bid Prayer Contract

2005-03-06T23:28:00.000-05:00

Citing the urgent need to help the Quari people, President today issued a Prayer Contract to AARI for $40 billion. Their responsibility will be to bring about Quari reconstruction through extensive prayer. They will additionally pray for the safety of the UcAn soldiers, particularly those serving without adequate vehicle armor.

At a scripted press conference with Hoax News reporters, President stated, "No longer will reality-based scientists be able to give short shrift to the important contributions of faith-based scientists. NASA may show us the stars, but AARI takes us to the heavens."

Cupboard member Cindy Vice stated, "Certainly an attempt to rectify past discrimination against faith-based science was a part of this decision, but more importantly, we were impressed by AARI's ability to handle these top-secret prayer situations. No other organization has the same capabilities."

Blank House spokesperson Harold Marigold remarked that though Vip's former affiliation with AARI might seem suspect, these connections had nothing to do with the decision to award AARI such a humongous contract. "They've got unparalleled prayer power. Thorough and strategic prayer is critical to any military operation."

Industry analysts expect many of the prayers to be outsourced to low-wage, Third World workers, particularly those suffering from the recent letter-dotting recession. These workers will be instructed in contemporary UcAn culture and prayer practices before initiating any solicitations of 789, Jezebel, Unity, and Mud.

Dirk's Diary

2005-03-05T22:11:00.000-05:00

The day is such a blur to me! But the worst of it is, I missed J's show tonight. It's tough to be the partner of such an active artist, although, of course, I wouldn't have it any other way. It's a privilege.

This new Partners' Support Group we've formed, the guys and I, it's helping me beat the stress. I find that if I can talk about the situation, and shoot the breeze with my buddies, why--it's like getting a hole-in-one!

But getting back to time... Note to self: need to think about how I'm spending time. Not that, realistically, there's much I can cut back on. Grandma's memoirs project is just fascinating, and I'm overjoyed that such an important figure will finally be shedding light on her own past. Then there's all the support work I do to help J. From cooking and cleaning on up, that's a priority. My only stitch of gratitude is that J doesn't work with hazardous materials. Anyway... I'm lucky if I can scrawl a few sentences into this here diary, let alone work on a few quatrains of my own.

Time for bed.

Uba Toots' Got A Brand New Thing

2005-03-04T16:02:00.000-05:00

Yo, check it out. I'd like to tell you about The Sublime. It's hip. It's like yesterday's phenomenology. And the future's Appropriation. It's majestic like that. The Sublime. It is noble. And exalted. It is The Sublime. It's awe-inspiring. Aaaauw shucks, it's The Sublime. It is admiration through grandeur. And beauty. It is The Sublime. It is outstandingly and supremely such. It is The Sublime. It is elated. And joyful. It is proud. And haughty. It is The Sublime. It is apraised. And aloft. The sublime... The sublime... The sublime. (fade out)
Thank you everybody. I'll be performing again at the Legory on March 10-14 at booth #2987. Check it out. Peace out.
-Uba Toots

It only takes one Armaggedon...

2005-03-03T22:59:00.000-05:00

...for you to wish that you had prepared better. You never know when you might head off to catch the subway and find the forces of good and evil fighting to take over your block. How can you best get ready for the big battle?

But maybe you're asking the wrong question. Or could it be that you're not asking any questions? It's tough to come up with answers when you haven't yet learned how to ask questions.

Join Us at the 3-in-1 Church. We're beyond easy Dualities. No more bandaid, quick fix, black and white answers. We're about Trualities: Answer. Question. Embrace uncertainty.

We welcome all!
Us, Other, and Neither/Nor

Support Our Outsourced Contractors

2005-03-02T22:27:00.000-05:00

With outsourcing now affecting every realm, from the academic world with its adjuncts to those serving as contractors for the military, the Protect All People Yes Campaign aims to provide support and lobby for services to those who do at least as much for less.

PAPYC would like to see the following:

Access to health services for people who aren't provided with it as a work benefit
Increased support for our independent contractors
Increased public awareness of outsourcing as it happens

"The outsourced work just as hard or harder, but make do without the benefits that are increasingly being seen as unattainable to the average UcAn citizen," said Sally Durmkin, PAPYC spokesperson. "We lobby to support these hard workers."

Opening at the Dead End Art Gallery

2005-03-01T10:18:00.000-05:00

“Reject and Repeat,” presents 165 previously seen works by artists in other current shows, including a cast bubble gum monkey cap shooter, drawings of repeated forms using ball point pens on canvas, gigantic stuffed toys installed in a carpeted room, a collage of found Metrocards in which the artist profoundly criticizes excessive human transport, and a pyramid of dried-out magic markers in which the artist comments on the loss of magic in his failed utopian Marin County upbringing.

The Day Everything Changed

2005-02-28T23:38:00.000-05:00

People gathered around the world to share in the grief that New Yorkers feel at the loss of the Gates. The world has changed a result of their coming down. Nothing will ever be the same. People will look back to the time before this loss and see a period of hopefulness and of expectation.

But now, no one knows what to expect. Some speculate that it may mean the end of irony. Others argue, "Either you're with us in experiencing this loss. Or you're against us."

For today, at least, everyone is a New Yorker.

Lister's Delight

2005-02-27T20:18:00.000-05:00

Cardboard boxes,
paper clips,
eggbeaters,
masking tape,
magnets.

Toothpicks.

Demon Holder Sale

2005-02-26T01:14:00.000-05:00

For Only $4.99, you can stock up on Demon Holders*, right in time before Easter. Go ahead, it's lent season, tempt those demons and snatch them. Offer ends on Palm Sunday.

*Demon Snatcher not included. Warning: Not responsible for unsnatched demons or leaks; Once label fades or washes off, holder may not be effective; Not recommended for exocisms; Not recommended for sharing drinking water with Demons in the same bottle; Do not drink Demons; Evaporation may be a sign of neglect of sealing the bottle cap, therefore a sign of loss Demon; May cause temporary hallucinations; Not recommended as a replacement for therapy; May cause dry mouth.

Spit Boat Veterans vs AARP

2005-02-25T12:15:00.000-05:00

ASSOCIATED PENS

Excerpts from a recent debate held at HI University between representatives from the Spit Boat Veterans for Truth and the Aged Association of Real Patriots (AARP). The Spit spokesperson was Bart Finkbetter while AARP was represented by Director David Sincere.

Finkbetter: AARP has become a lifeless, stodgy group that is out of touch with the values of the UcAn people. The organization and its membership have been on life support for some time now. It's time to pull the plug.

Sincere: AARP has long been a non-partisan group advocating on behalf of the interests of older UcAns. Our members know that. The people of UcA know that. We will continue to play a vital role in shaping the debate on issues that affect our members.

Finkbetter: AARP has been taking their organizational support for Satanic rituals and other left-leaning beliefs and foisting them on this country for too long. How can anyone believe what they have to say? They're just a bunch of senile, old coots.

Sincere: President's plan to create private Social In-Security accounts is a big gamble. When we want to gamble, we'll play the slot machines.

Finkbetter: Clearly many at AARP are addicted to gambling. I'm surprised they have time to fit that in with all of the devil worshiping they do.

Sincere: Our members are currently seeing the benefits of Social Security and want their children and grandchildren to be able to receive those same benefits. Many of our members would be destitute without Social Security. They want that same guarantee for future generations.

Finkbetter: Many of the AARP leadership are French. And light in the loafers.

Sincere: AARP is very concerned about the enormous deficits that President has already created. Borrowing trillions to create Social In-Security accounts will only worsen a bad situation. We believe in fiscal responsibility.

A cautionary tale

2005-02-24T22:01:00.000-05:00

I found some small measure of happiness in a fella called Jack. It was goin' allright between us, don't you know, he even didn't mind me questioning mind, and that--that, mind you, was a virtue--but it wasn't to last between us. NO.

Ye see, I was the type that'd be from the high mountains, the rugged land, where it takes a bit of trickery for even the sheep t' find a scrap of thistle to munch on. And Jack--well, I'm afeard Jack was of the low country, where the larder is stocked with creamery butter, fat sausages for the mornin' tea, and enough sugar to sicken ye. Aye, it was the thick cut marmalade for Jack, and that was the sticking point between us.

There's a lot that can be overlooked in the moon-eyed throb of love, but let the larder not be the thing that drives ye both to wits' end. So t' spake.

--Grandma

Well,

2005-02-23T10:02:00.000-05:00

if it isn't Abby Normal?

Police Blotter

2005-02-22T23:25:00.000-05:00

Jennifer Hoozeltaastenlijk was arrested last night for explicating without a license. She allegedly falsified her credentials to bring the work Left Leg, You Gallop to press as a protest of the concentration of knowledge in so few socks. Her efforts appear to be the most recent efforts of the elusive underground group Cotton to infiltrate and subvert the UcAn economic system by distributing knowledge to all. Federal Bureau of Instigator agent, Guy Smarmy speculated that she may also be connected with the thousands of pounds of i-dot's that were confiscated in a recent sting operation. Instigators found both a Chicago Style Manual and the Dictionary at her home. She is being flown to Egypt for further interviews.

Worth the wait

2005-02-21T18:58:00.000-05:00

Exceeding even the most hyperbolic of industry expectations, the Bold Standard rose again to a new record-breaking high, 50 syllogisms higher than it closed yesterday, as reported by the NYSE (Noteworthy Yielding Standards Exchange). Analysts responded with a flurry of predictions:

"With Bold this up, a mere 10 words short of a treatise, I'd put my information into statements right away--you can't lose," said Myra Stunts of Accentuate.

"People look to Bold when things are uncertain, so I think this is telling of the times," said Jon Frankinworth of MSG.

Even Louise Ruekayzer had a few words to bargain with: "Bold will become bolder. Just you wait! On my show I've been positing the rewards of Bold would be worth the wait for those in it for the long haul. I'm delighted to see the market responding."

--Excerpted with kind permission of the Whisper Sheet Journal

This week on Art Roadshow

2005-02-20T14:49:00.000-05:00

Expert Clay Stone catches up with the maker of a black and white square painting, appraised astronomically for its retro-political content. Appraiser Fran Franchi is on hand for the recovery of an artist’s vintage shoes splattered strategically at a performance; and appraiser J. J. Jay puts out two thumbs up for a conceptual art represented by a glass half full of water, or is it half empty?

Who will be the next UcAn Warrior?

2005-02-19T23:57:00.000-05:00

Grab your camouflage and get your submachine guns ready! Reality TV is about to get even more real! I have it firsthand that Defense Secretary Donny Plumsvelt is in negotiations with Hoax News for what is guaranteed to be the most explosive new show on television—UcAn Warrior.

Contestants will compete for the honor of deciding what country UcA will invade next and for the privilege of leading UcAn troops into combat. Everyone will soon be fired up over whose battle plan will get the best ratings. And which of the hot, aspiring generals has the cocky walk that is the signature of a real leader.

Plumsvelt is reported to have said that this giant audition to head the military is just the latest in President's plan to have even more amateurs in top positions of power.

Are the UcAn people still fed up with the French? Or those other two axis of evil? Only time will tell where the next bombs will drop.

Keep your eyes out for auditions near your hometown. Maybe you will be the next UcAn Warrior.

Tammy Trumpet
reprinted with permission from The Daily Babble

No one is free when others are tortured

2005-02-18T19:05:00.000-05:00

President in a speech today announced news that will uplift UcA citizens.

"They say that 'No one is free when others are tortured,'" he said during a visit to a Senior Center in Port Wilmouth. "Well, this is the UcA--land of the free. We do not tolerate torture; it is an offense to human dignity. Rest assured that torture is forbidden by law in this land."

Aides followed up by assuring questioning reporters afterwards that there is a difference between "torture" and "cruel, inhuman and degrading treatment." It is illegal for UcA citizens to inflict torture on foreigners, while it is not illegal to inflict cruel, inhuman and degrading treatment.

Ceramic Potters Secede

2005-02-17T15:58:00.000-05:00

Kiln Time, a coalition of ceramic potters, voted to secede from artists on the grounds of not wanting to be associated with dip n' dot painters. "It was a unanimous decision," proclaims Kiln Time organizer, Marta Coil, "We, ceramic potters have made tremendous efforts to create serious art and it would be unjust to our forepotters to be associated with such painters who degrade art. We want to stand out as progressives, not like the artists."

President Proposes Alphabet Privatization

2005-02-16T21:21:00.001-05:00

In an address to the True Patriot leadership, President formally unveiled his plans to privatize the Alphabet. Speaking to this group of party insiders, many of whom are reputed to have connections to Knowledge Hoarders, President advocated a quick transition to private Alphabet Accounts. "The Alphabet Trust Fund is facing a crisis. It's important to keep all options on the table. And to members of Congregation, I say, 'If you've got another plan, bring it forward. There will not be political retribution.'"

Authentic Patriot Chair Flower Keene expressed concern that privatizing the alphabet would force ordinary UcAns to negotiate an overwhelming and confusing array of choices. "There may be those who invest too heavily in vowels or aspirates and end up not being able to form any words. We need to maintain a common, national store of letters. At a point in their lives when UcAns should be able to enjoy the fruits of their years of study through comfortable linguistic play, many will be left with nothing. President's plan makes no guarantees for them."

But Blank House Spokesperson Harold Marigold denied this fear, arguing that "the Citizens of UcA will benefit from individual alphabet accounts. They know that they will not be able to count on the government to supply letters for them in the future. The Alphabet Trust Fund will not be able to sustain the same level of benefits after 2018. We must deal with this issue sooner rather than later."

Analysis by the Congregation Alphabet Office, known for its conservative assessments, show the trust fund being able to pay full vocabulary benefits until 2042 and 70% of benefits after that date without any changes to the system. Many Authentic Patriots in Congregation have criticized President's plan for further increasing the letter deficit. The plan has a projected 4.5 trillion letter expense over the next 20 years.

Orril Hutt (TP, Utah) pledged his support for President's plan, despite the lack of details. "What we have on our hands here is a clear example of a crisis."

What People Do For Money

2005-02-15T17:44:00.000-05:00

Here I was, lost in idle contemplation of such topics as whether to part my hair from the left or the right, whether to move forward or not, when moving forward is a euphemism for malignant acts, when finally it struck me down, right there on the street, like a grand piano suddenly falling from the sky and crashing just before my feet.

I realized that I am being injection-molded into some other kind of malignant form from my job, or in the immortal words of my favorite song, "What People Do For Money."

All the water-cooler conversation about President and his allure, hard to stomach but there it is, not to mention the endless Hoax News Specials piped in to every nook and cranny... is it any wonder? Is it really? I'm constantly reminded of the old adage:

People don't make the best decisions when they are afraid.

Xs and Os Dispute!

2005-02-14T21:02:00.000-05:00

What a tragic day for Valentine’s Day. Famous kiss symbol, X, has filed a restraining order against famous hug symbol, O. There’s no word yet from either symbol’s publicists on why X is issuing a request to have O maintain a six-character distance from X. Rumor has it that X would like to be taken more seriously as a single character more than a sidekick symbol. X had been struggling to be single for a long time, after having a traumatic triple X life. X’s request came as no surprise after O’s success with a famous book, O, My Story, a television show, O, and a fashion line, o. There’s no report of how many people are disappointed in not being able to sign off their Valentine’s cards in their usual manner.

I'm unclear

2005-02-13T12:45:00.000-05:00

about the future.

Are you blurry too?

Press go.

The Report Tainted?

2005-02-12T22:30:00.000-05:00

To the Editors,

I have been a peruser of your pages for a long time now, and I must protest that The Report has become, in recent weeks, tainted with the toxic inflection of dogma.
Ever since I first became a reader of The Report I would praise it to colleagues, friends, and strangers alike--its merits were obvious upon first reading to anyone, across chasm of the great political divide, excepting those extremists on both the left and the right who would consent to murder on spec.
Unfortunately, to my great sorrow, this is no longer the case.
I must terminate my subscription immediately.

Very truly yours,
Georgia U. Huppleworth, Esq.

The Editors Respond:

Dear Ms. Georgia U. Huppleworth, Esq.:

We regret that you will no longer be among our subscribers, and that your image of us has been diminished. However, we humbly argue that the standards of The Report have not, in fact, changed in recent weeks, but remained consistent. We are committed to bringing you the very best facts and fiction put out by the highest advertising bidders--this has been our mission ever since our inception. Additionally, we curry favor by printing flattering articles to whomever the most powerful political party is currently in office. Trust us.

The Editors

Mayor Hails "Stalagmites and Stalactites" as Art and Tourist Lure

2005-02-11T16:52:00.000-05:00

The town mayor lauded the importance of public art today, the eve of the recognition of Stalagmites and Stalactites installation in almost all of our subway tunnels and stations, a rust-colored artwork created by sewage leaks and flooding, and possibly human and rat urine.

"Stalagmites and Stalactites – possibly the most unnoticeably small artwork in our town's history - will draw thousands of tourists from around the globe and add immeasurably to the town’s rich history of public art," the mayor said at a recent news conference. "Innovative works of art provoke debate, spark our imaginations and help us redefine the space we live in, and Stalagmite and Stalactite will bring that experience to those who come to see it."

Some 786,500 stalagmites and stalactites, each fresh and still dripping, have been recognized in place along the 24 subway lines, brightening and framing the way for the silver trains. The .00002 to 12 inch-high stalagmites and stalactites have been things that we don’t otherwise notice, but on Saturday, over the course of three seconds, the experience will be intensified when some of The Go Show Blog readers may recognize this phenomenal town-funded public art.

"Stalagmites and Stalactites," which the mayor called "a lifetime work of art," scatter across paved tunnels throughout the five boroughs. The town estimates that Stalagmites and Stalactites will generate more than 80 pillion of additional revenue with more people riding the subways just to witness the public art; and for those wishing to take home more than a memory of Stalagmites and Stalactites, they will be able to purchase T-shirts, hats, umbrellas, kneepads, trading cards and other souvenirs, with proceeds being donated to organizations, Nurture the Supernatural and Tunnel Creatures Conservancy.